What makes a happy life?
Social relations are above all the key to lasting happiness, and loneliness is the most detrimental
What makes a person happy? One would have thought people would have moved past the old cliches that fame and riches makes one’s life better, but it seems millennials haven’t. The majority of millennials still strive to become famous and earn lots of money, which they think will in turn make them happy. Partly, this is due to the financial stability money provides, something millennials haven’t exactly enjoyed during their ascent into adulthood. Generation Z, the next cohort, while not doing as badly as many sources suggest, still aren’t exactly particularly happy, while having similar life goals to millennials — fame and fortune. In general, depression rates among generations has been steadily climbing since the Boomers, and the next generation, it is predicted, will suffer rates of depression of nearly 25%. Suicide is rising across most of the West, being the biggest killer of men under the age of 50 in several European countries, and on university campuses across the world, students suffer crippling mental health disorders.
This is evidently cause for concern. Part of the problem has been put down to increased time in front of screens, particularly smartphones (although some studies suggest moderate smartphone usage can enhance well being), but this explanation is too simplistic and technophobic. There are also the heavily contributing factors of rising levels of inequality, less fulfilment in jobs, political disaffection, and a lack of contentment in general in life. It’s partly due to the nature of modern life, with people living face-paced, work-driven, poor-diet lifestyles that negatively affect not only to their mental but also physical well-being.
But there’s one factor which is perhaps the most important of them all, one that affects all of us at some point, and that, in our society, is difficult to escape: loneliness.
Loneliness has been linked to increase levels of depression and therefore suicide, an increased risk of stroke and heart disease, a higher chance of alcoholism, a higher likelihood of self-destructive or delinquent behaviour among children, disrupted sleep, negatively affected brain function and memory, and most startlingly, higher mortality rates. When one looks at reports of how particularly Americans feel, it’s no surprise that rates of depression and suicide are soaring and people report overall feeling less happy: nearly half of Americans report being lonely. Older people have typically suffered the most, their friends and family eventually all passing away and their children growing up and leading their own lives, leaving them often by themselves (and with failing care systems across much of the West). But now, the younger generations are falling foul of it too: Generation Z has been labelled the loneliest generation ever.
Loneliness doesn’t necessarily mean being physically alone, but also the sensation of not having anybody in life on whom one can count, or feeling like an outsider, and heinous sides of this phenomenon have reared their ugly heads in recent years. The online community of involuntary celibates, or incels, is characterised by an overwhelming feeling of loneliness and alienation from society, particularly with regards to romantic relationships. This group of self-pitying racists and misogynists have been responsible for several mass murders equating to the death of nearly fifty people. Naturally other social and genetic factors influence the men who make up this community, but one can nonetheless see loneliness as not only a symptom but simultaneously a cause of their plight, and their actions a weaponisation of this feeling.
So what’s the flip side of all of this? Looking at how detrimental loneliness is to our well-being can help us when we consider what the most important factors are in health and happiness in the long term. The groundbreaking research done by the Harvard Study of Adult Development tracks the lives of over seven hundred men from their teenage years to their deaths. Of those who remain alive today, currently in their nineties, a few very clear conclusions were drawn: the main reason these men stayed content throughout the course of their lives was due to the relationships they had, both platonic and romantic. These relationships weren’t necessarily conflict-free, consistently harmonious, or particularly driven by sex or attraction: some couples bickered day in, day out, and many had up-and-down relationships with their friends. What was important about them was the men in these relationships had the feeling they could totally count on the other person in times of need, and that’s what counted.
This study, which has now moved into the second generation (the Baby Boomer babies of the original men studied, now including the women, are being tracked) shouldn’t be taken lightly. According to the director Robert Waldinger and many of the research papers published by the institute, meaningful social relationships were a better predictor not only of happiness but also of physical health than almost anything else, including levels of cholesterol and physical activity. Those who lived the longest in the study were all participants who reported having healthy and meaningful social connections for most of their lives, and those who were physically and mentally less healthy were without fail those who reported feeling — you guessed it — lonely.
The solutions to loneliness aren’t easy to find, and the barriers to meaningful social connection high. Increased screen time and a decreased desire of young people to meet up in person with friends is conducive to depression and dissatisfaction. Older generations may lose all their friends and their partners, and have to find other ways to rebuild their social connections. (My nan, for example, has joined a choir at her local community centre, and started dancing. She says the camaraderie is the best part.) And for those (mostly) men who feel social isolated and become radicalised through it? Rather than dismiss them as lost causes, finding the reasons for their social isolation is an essential first step in solving the problem. Much of it lies on a toxic online culture for which forums like Reddit and 4Chan are breeding grounds, as well as an increased time spent on laptops and phones; difficult childhood environments has also been long-known as a risk factor for problematic behaviour further down the line, and difficult childhood environments are often characterised by loneliness.
The best thing any of us can do to maintain happiness across our lives is spend time building meaningful, long-lasting social relations, be that with friends, family (participants in the aforementioned study with close relationships to siblings and parents were happier than those without) and lovers. Without this, we fall foul of numerous negative effects to our bodies, our brains, and our overall well-being. With it, it’s one of the best predictors of overall well-being when we get old, and perhaps the best way to create and sustain happiness. And if that isn’t the point of all this — what is?
